Hello, it’s me Karl Childers, senior interview and analyst for CU:LT wrestling and this Big Match Breakdown for Trash Wrestling for Garbage Humans coming up on July 31 – Christ that is a mouthful.
Anyway, there may be some notable names missing from the card, but somehow this is looking to be the best show Casanova English has put together top to bottom.
Show Opener
Jason Cross vs Ace Sky
We’re going to open the show with two hungry wrestlers looking for their first win in CU:LT. Ace Sky has been putting in the work here since day one and I know the fans are rooting for him month in and month out. Cross has been a bit underwhelming since joining the roster – but this isn’t a match Ace can take lightly if he wants to get out of the loss column once and for all. The last two months he has been just split seconds away form scoring pinfalls. Let’s see if Ace Sky finally finds a way to take off in this company.
Deathmatch
Azurine Vebbins vs Mickey Black vs Casey Caesar
This is a do or die situation for Casey Caesar who is one of the hottest stars in death match wrestling – but he fell short in his debut with the company and has lot a lot of momentum. Many thought this would be the guy to soon challenge JD Driftwood’s strangle hold on the SNUFF division – and this is his chance to remind people of that.
He’s up against Vebbins, who I don’t believe has as much deathmatch experience – she’s yet another person from Action Wrestling trying to dip her toes into the world of these monthly indy spectaculars – but it’s not an easy door to walk through. She is going to have to pay her dues.
Mickey Black is the third participant in this match and she was carried to victory at Massacre in Miami by Vincent Black – this month she will have to do it all on her own if she wants to keep the family name proud. She probably has the least experience when it comes to the Black family – so it’s not just about proving to the CU:LT fans she is war ready.
It’s tough to call a winner in this one – but I have to give Caesar the edge just because deathmatch wrestling is his world.
Serena Riot vs Justin York
Riot and York suffered huge losses at Massacre in Miami. Riot just came a hair shy of pretty much single handedly beating the Black family. She didn’t get her shoulders pinned to the mat but she is taking the trios match loss tough. York on the other hand put in what will go down as an all time great match in this company when he was tossed down 30 feet from a scaffold through stacks and stacks of light tubes. Many thought it would be impossible for him to make this event – but he says he wants to power through. Regardless you have to think Riot is going to zero in on some of that tender flesh.
I know the loss here is going to have an effect on either competitor – but here in CU:LT wins are not easy to come by – if you want to be fed jobbers get a gig somewhere else. Both Riot and York are respected names in the industry and talented. Regardless who comes out on top this has potential to be a match of the night. I wouldn’t sleep on this one.
Kennel From Hell Match
A steel cage inside a cell -- several weapons between them --- escape both to win the match.
Vincent Black vs Jessie Lee
I don’t remember the last time I saw a Kennel from Hell Match – and I don’t think I have ever heard of someone debuting in one. Jessie is also from Action Wrestling, which many in CU:LT deem a little more mainstream then what is done here – but she is also a two time Revolution1 Horrorcore Champion so she knows how to get her hands dirty.
And she will need to do that against Vincent Black. The only blemish he has on his career here is a loss to Brandon Moore for the CU:LT Classic Championship. This match has the potential to restructure things in the company if someone like Jessie is able to come in here and beat someone many are considering a future New World Champion contender in Vincent Black – it might force English to adjust who belongs in what division.
In this situation I have to go with the devil I know, so I think Vinny takes this one. I have seen Jessie Lee wrestle – don’t get me wrong – but CU:LT is a whole different place and Black has already proved he can swim with the sharks.
CU:LT Classic Championship
To Take place at The Chris Page Cannabis Cup Jul 24.
Noah Ortega vs Shogun Kaiser
This one is a gift to Chris Page, not like the guy couldn’t pay these guys some bonuses for appearing – but non the less. The CU:LT Classic Championship match between current champion Shogun Kaiser and Noah Ortega.
Ortega beat out 3 others for a shot at the title – stealing the win from Legion at Massacre in Miami. Maybe something he learned from Chris Page stealing the Weapon of Choice Battle Royal win from him at What Happens in Vegas. Ortega has all the tools to be one of the biggest names in not only CU:LT but wrestling as a whole – he’s not quite there yet.
However, Shogun Kaiser just established himself as the best pure wrestler on the roster by beating Brandon Moore for the title at Massacre in Miami. It’s been stated English shelled out a lot of money to get Shogun to join the roster – so far that investment has paid off. This guy went as far as cutting someone’s head open with a sword on his debut so you know he is taking this shit as seriously as he can, and now he is in his realm of expertise.
This match is more than who wins and loses, this is a match put on at a highly regarded wrestling event. While many think CU:LT is simply hardcore deathmatch trash blood and guts wrestling – this is the chance to prove them wrong and give what might be the best technical wrestling performance of the Cannabis Cup.
SNUFF Championship
Dumpster Fire Match
A dumpster match with a twist. Throw your opponents inside and close the lid -- just don't forget to engulf the trash in flames first.
Holden Ross vs JD Driftwood
JD MOTHERFUCKING Driftwood is on the hottest run of his career – while he has hit some snags elsewhere he is still rolling strong with the strap throwing Justin York off a scaffold through light tubes. The man nearly peeled off Max Daemon’s face in a TaiPei Deathmatch and at What Happens in Vegas he blew up David Hunter…
Speaking of Hunter, he was the tag partner of JD’s next oppeoent Holden Ross. Ross has struggled to pick up a win, but finally at Massacre in Miami he stapled gunned his way to the number one contender position. He’s had two hard fought losing battles against Three Ring Barney and came up just short of becoming the first SNUFF Champion. Now he has a chance at redemption in this dumpster fire match. If Ross can knock off the most dangerous man in CU:LT wrestling and take home the SNUFF Championship it might be the biggest win of her career.
Doing that to Driftwood is going to be a hell of a task and after what I have seen as of late… It's going to be an uphill battle for Holden Ross.
Ladder Match
CU:LT Double Homicide Championships
Three Ring Barney vs Craig Cogan and Charli Crawford
Three Ring Barney is on an absolutely intense run – they’ve beat longtime tag teams in the industry – has scared away any resemblance of an official tag team division and even beat who some would suggest are some of the best singles wrestlers today in Lissie Hope and Chris Page at Massacre in Miami. It’s going to be a hard contest for their mismatched opponents at Trash Wrestling.
Yes, Charli Crawford did win the first Ouija Board Tournament – but the prize… well some might not call it that. Yes, she has a shot at the Double Homicide Championships, but the partner she is paired with is probably the worst wrestler I have ever laid eyes on. I don’t even know if he grasps how this sport works. Still, Cogan has found some success – he reduced the sadistic clown Lobo to a pair of smoking oversized shoes at Massacre in Miami. We haven’t heard from the clown since…
And it’s my understanding Three Ring Barney, the resident circus here at CU:LT didn’t take too kindly to the clown violence we saw at Massacre in Miami and have said on Twitter that this one is for Lobo.
You have to give the advantage to Three Ring Barney of course – but you can’t count out Crawford. She has had an amazing run thus far and if she can get Cogan on her side and his head on right… well lightning might strike.
Johnny Bacchus vs Adrienne Beaufort
Johnny Bacchus made his debut at Massacre in Miami talking some mad shit, so lets see if he can even get by the resident CU:LT rookie. Adrienne Beaufort just won the second match of her young career and is still just getting used to wrestling men twice her size.
This one is an opportunity of Bacchus to back the shit he has been talking and prove he can be a contender in this company -- for Beaufort, well it's the classic underdog story. And if she can pick up her third win against an industry vet, well she might be a prodigy.
I Quit Match
Lissie Hope vs Chris Page
If you told me the first time Lissis Hope and Chris Page would meet one on one would happen in a glorified deathmatch company which started as an underground movement I’d have called you a fucking liar… but somehow here it is.
Lissie Hope and Chris Page are going to face off in an I Quit match. These are two of the biggest mainstream wrestlers and English has booked them in a match guaranteed to make them a little less pretty. The war of words has been documented, from Chris Page slut shaming his promiscuous opponent, to Lissie Hope body shaming the aging ballooning former world champion. As much as Chris Page claims he didn’t – he did rob Lissie Hope of an earlier New World Championship shot. He says he picked her before her match at What Happens in Vegas… but he knew damn well her match had the stipulation.
Page did try to return the favor. He gave Lissie a chair to smash over Royston – but she wanted to do things her own way and in my opinion all that miscommunication led to Page taking the pin.
Now, it all comes to a head as two of the biggest egos in the sport aim to humble one another by forcing them to say I quit. One of these two will embarrass the other at Trash Wrestling for Garbage Humans. One thing is for sure, if Hope doesn’t win – it could stall her momentum as she heads toward a New World Championship match at Summer of Slam.
Jaka vs Legion
Jaka has managed to get her way into huge matches in the company, but only holds one win when she beat Iggy Deluna. She hasn’t been able to win the New World Championship after two shots at it.
Legion has a similar story; she only has one win in the company despite being very dangerous in the squared circle. She came up just short at Massacre in Miami and was close to getting a shot at the CU:LT Classic Championship.
Both of these talents have been a staple in the company since day one and I think Casanova is giving Jaka and Legion a great opportunity here being sandwiched between two huge matches – if they are able to keep the pulse of the crowd up it proves they are right where they need to be.
Main Event
New World Championship
Electric Chair Match
Strap your opponent in the chair and pull the level to shoot a non-lethal amount of electricity through their carcass.
Jane Doe vs Donnie Hopkins
You can’t kill what is already dead…
Donnie Hopkins knows that now more than anyone.
He has tried to bury and drown Jane Doe to recapture the New World Championship.
And at Massacre in Miami after she defended her championship Donnie Hopkins attacked her with a taser jolting her body over and over and over again. Clearly the frustration is getting to Hopkins – he has not been able to beat Jane Doe after early on it seemed he might have a stranglehold on this company. That didn’t happen though – somehow Jane Doe has found her hands on the top strap and she seems to have no desire to let it go.
If Donnie wants to put away the champion he will have to leave off from what he started at Massacre in Miami. The only way to win this match is to strap your opponent into the electric chair and flick the switch jolting electricity through their body.
Regardless who wins this appears to be the end of the feud that has been the backbone of CU:LT since Jonestown Reunion. This is Donnie’s last chance to recapture the world championship for the time being… and it’s bad news win or lose for the CU:LT roster… because whatever Hopkins focuses on – he finds a way to destroy it eventually.
Tune in to Trash Wrestling for Garbage Humans on August 31st streaming live in wrestlecult.com to see this chapter of CU:LT wrestling close out.
Thanks for tuning in.