Post by Cassidy Hobbs on Jan 17, 2023 18:28:08 GMT
“SLLLLAP!”
“SLLLLAP!”
There’s nothing pornographic going on with the sounds of a smacking palm, rather it is the outstretched hand of Cassidy Hobbs slapping against one of the rungs of an already set up ladder. Hobbs, dressed in his finest white leather jacket and matching pants, walks around the twelve foot tall ladder looking up towards the top in an impressed look on his face. He finally settles facing towards the camera as he grips the sides of the ladder with his hands and nearly shoving his face through the opening between two of the rungs. Smacking gum between his lips, he leers towards the camera.
“I guess I was wrong. And I’m never wrong.
Me? Wrong? I know, I’m completely shocked too.
How was I wrong? Because there is no way that Murphy Doyle Maher should have spent a second in jail for manslaughter, not a single second. Why? Because that man has no killer instinct whatsoever. Zero, zilch… nada! Pay no attention to Murphy Doyle Maher, because he’s the type that’s going to ask for permission to climb that ladder complete with a ‘please’ and a ‘thank you’.”
Hobbs’ hands slap against the rung above his head and then clamp down onto the metal as Cassidy himself takes a couple of steps up the ladder. Only a couple of feet off the ground Cassidy doesn’t seem to pay much attention to the ground below, rather he looks up towards the top of the ladder he’s yet to climb. His eyes creep slowly down from the sky back towards the camera a sly smirk grows across his lips.
“Me, on the other hand? I’ll do whatever it takes to win, daddy. There is no road low enough for me to travel down if you know what I mean. If I have to replace all of my opponent’s water backstage with the toxic shit straight from Camp Lejeune? Well, I just hope the Canadian border patrol don’t search the water bottles in the trunk of my 2015 Ford Taurus. If I have to hire a professional hypnotist to put you all in a trance in order to convince you that you’re all afraid of heights? Well, just hit the rewind button and play this back a couple of times and don’t mind the sudden flashes of light on the screen. Hell, I’ll Google the name of the guy that Tonya Harding hired to bash in Nancy’s leg if it means that none of you are able to climb this ladder before me.
They say that you should treat everyone with respect as you climb the ladder of success, because those are the same people that will meet you on the way down. To that? I say simply this, what if on the way up the ladder you break everyone’s legs so that they fall off the ladder when you step on them? Let’s get something straight, I don’t hate a single one of you. You’re all just in my way of getting what I want. No, of getting what I deserve. Stomping through all of you means nothing to me when compared to the prize that waits for me at the top of this ladder.”
“SLLLLAP!”
“SLLLLAP!”
Once again Cassidy slaps the rungs of the ladder before taking a couple of steps up towards the top. At this point he’s about half-way up the ladder, his roundish looking face is starting to be framed tightly by the shrinking sides of the ladder as it angles towards the smaller top. This time Cassidy looks down at the ground before his eyes rise to cross with that of the camera again.
“But don’t worry, I’ll make sure not to hurt everyone too much. I’m sure Azurine Vebbins will be back to sliding her crunchy ass crack up and down stripper poles in no time flat. Besides, the sort of shitty places she works at I promise you the clients don't care if the chick they’re shoving a dollar into the g-string of has a broken leg or messed up face. Trust me on that, I’ve been to those places my entire life and I didn’t mind if she had open sores.”
He blinks and smacks down on the gum in his mouth.
“I said what I said.”
He blinks a second time and does the same with the gum.
“Regardless, I don’t care if I can cram dollars down Azurine’s pants, I’m dropping her off the ladder if given the chance. Maybe I’ll make sure she lands on Murphy… he’s been running dry for eighteen months or so. I can imagine he needs that sort of action right now. As for the rest? I really don’t know and I really don’t care. I’m sure fans are going to think Silas Romero has himself a chance because he’s spread across the wrestling landscape even more so than herpes, but between you and me. Romero’s music playlist includes the likes of Nickelback and Maroon 5. So, the next time you see him working out in the gym just remember he’s probably blasting ‘Photograph’ at the max volume.
Max volume, folks.
Eavan Maloney is impressive… if you’re a dwarf. I don’t think she even has a chance of reaching the bottom rung let alone using one of these ladders at all. In fact, none of you know this right now but she’s pacing right below me right now waiting to see if she can even reach the rungs.”
Cassidy climbs up a couple more rungs until more than half of his body is now over the top of the ladder. He looks down towards the ground and shakes his head.
“It’s not looking good for the Warmonger, kids. A midget with a mullet, seriously? This has got to be a parody.”
Slowly, Cassidy raises his head towards the camera. He grips the top of the ladder with both hands.
“But I’ll tell you a little joke, perhaps it’s a joke even Allen Chaney could appreciate. Call it a secret that I just couldn’t not tell, but since it’s going to all come out soon why not just spill the tea now. I can’t say that I’m the biggest fan of heights, in fact up until a couple of days ago I was sweating balls thinking I’d have to use one of these ladders. Yeah, turns out I’ve had my share of childhood trauma and ladders when I was forced to put up the Christmas lights.
But this is my seventy-fourth time climbing to the top of this ladder. I’ve forced myself over and over to do it. In the light, in the dark, I even hired someone to shake the ladder a couple of times as I climbed my way to the top. Why? Because I have to win, if that means I’m willing to overcome one of my childhood fears to do so. I also know that CULT is bringing in their heavy hitter in the Comedian. Multiple time world champion and the guy with more experience winning things than Azurine on the pole, Romero with Nickelback, Murphy dropping the soap and Maloney being denied a ride on the roller coast combined. Make sure you strap your boots on extra tight there Chaney, make sure you don’t drink any water you didn’t bottle yourself or pay attention to any sort of flashing lights… you’ve got a date with me and this ladder.
This ladder is slowly but surely becoming my new best friend, every inch of the steel and plastic that makes this thing up is starting to look like the back of my hand. I’m probably going to end up taking this ladder to the movies later and then to a nice dinner. And come Ladder Day Saints, we’re going to unleash everything we have on the heavy hitter in this match.
Like I said, I’ll do whatever it takes to win. And given the chance, I’d even set my best friend here on fire if it meant walking out with that guaranteed title shot down the line.”
Cassidy smacks the top of the ladder a couple more times before climbing until his feet are on the last rung before the top. He takes a long deep breath with his eyes closed before extending his arms out ‘I’m the King of the World’ Jack Dawson style, slowly a sick smile appears across his face as he opens his eyes and does a slow backwards plunge off the ladder right into the end of this promo.
But, it's not over!
Wait, are we doing that time traveling cliché thing in the promo? Oh come on, we haven’t even reached eighty-eighty miles per hour yet! Check the flux capacitor and what date is on the time cir--
About two weeks ago.
That sort of time travel doesn’t even require a helmet.
We are treated to the local morning news broadcast from a little place called Las Vegas, New Mexico. Again, it is really a place. They even broadcast in HD, huh? Fancy. Sitting at the morning desk is an ancient looking man that everyone knows as Ron, who should have probably retired years ago and alongside him is Jen, who is wearing enough foundation make-up right now to support a skyscraper. Not that there are any skyscrapers within five hundred miles of New Mexico, but you get the idea. The two of them have their fake smiles plastered across their fake faces and bring us back from commercials with some real hard hitting news.
Let’s go Ron.
“In local news, it appears that the Patrick Swayze Memorial Statue has once again been vandalized. According to police this time the person or persons involved covered the statue in honey and birdseed which attracted a large number of birds. And whenever you have that many birds, Jen, well you get the idea.”
He fake chuckles as does Jen. There are good odds that Jen is being told to just smile and laugh because she probably didn’t get the joke. She’s going to follow that up with some banter now.
“Wow, another New Year’s Eve prank Ron? That’s like the fourth year in a row that someone has done something to that statue. Wasn’t last year the Oreo cookie fiasco?”
“I think that was 2020, Jen.”
“Oh you’re right, last year was the listing on Zillow that nearly got the whole park purchased by the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund.”
“Yes, that was a clean up effort that we’ll never forget.”
But then, Jen has a thought of her own for once.
“You’d think by now the Sheriff would have someone watching the Patrick Swayze statue each and every single New Year’s Eve. Don’t you, Ron?”
Ron gives her the ‘we dont’ ask questions look or the black helicopters will show up’ before completely changing the subject.
“And now here’s Walt with the local weather.”
The scene cuts away before Jen can ask any other questions to some random dude standing outside with a microphone in his hands and we go to static.
“SLLLLAP!”
There’s nothing pornographic going on with the sounds of a smacking palm, rather it is the outstretched hand of Cassidy Hobbs slapping against one of the rungs of an already set up ladder. Hobbs, dressed in his finest white leather jacket and matching pants, walks around the twelve foot tall ladder looking up towards the top in an impressed look on his face. He finally settles facing towards the camera as he grips the sides of the ladder with his hands and nearly shoving his face through the opening between two of the rungs. Smacking gum between his lips, he leers towards the camera.
“I guess I was wrong. And I’m never wrong.
Me? Wrong? I know, I’m completely shocked too.
How was I wrong? Because there is no way that Murphy Doyle Maher should have spent a second in jail for manslaughter, not a single second. Why? Because that man has no killer instinct whatsoever. Zero, zilch… nada! Pay no attention to Murphy Doyle Maher, because he’s the type that’s going to ask for permission to climb that ladder complete with a ‘please’ and a ‘thank you’.”
“SLLLLAP!”
“SLLLLAP!”
“SLLLLAP!”
Hobbs’ hands slap against the rung above his head and then clamp down onto the metal as Cassidy himself takes a couple of steps up the ladder. Only a couple of feet off the ground Cassidy doesn’t seem to pay much attention to the ground below, rather he looks up towards the top of the ladder he’s yet to climb. His eyes creep slowly down from the sky back towards the camera a sly smirk grows across his lips.
“Me, on the other hand? I’ll do whatever it takes to win, daddy. There is no road low enough for me to travel down if you know what I mean. If I have to replace all of my opponent’s water backstage with the toxic shit straight from Camp Lejeune? Well, I just hope the Canadian border patrol don’t search the water bottles in the trunk of my 2015 Ford Taurus. If I have to hire a professional hypnotist to put you all in a trance in order to convince you that you’re all afraid of heights? Well, just hit the rewind button and play this back a couple of times and don’t mind the sudden flashes of light on the screen. Hell, I’ll Google the name of the guy that Tonya Harding hired to bash in Nancy’s leg if it means that none of you are able to climb this ladder before me.
They say that you should treat everyone with respect as you climb the ladder of success, because those are the same people that will meet you on the way down. To that? I say simply this, what if on the way up the ladder you break everyone’s legs so that they fall off the ladder when you step on them? Let’s get something straight, I don’t hate a single one of you. You’re all just in my way of getting what I want. No, of getting what I deserve. Stomping through all of you means nothing to me when compared to the prize that waits for me at the top of this ladder.”
“SLLLLAP!”
“SLLLLAP!”
Once again Cassidy slaps the rungs of the ladder before taking a couple of steps up towards the top. At this point he’s about half-way up the ladder, his roundish looking face is starting to be framed tightly by the shrinking sides of the ladder as it angles towards the smaller top. This time Cassidy looks down at the ground before his eyes rise to cross with that of the camera again.
“But don’t worry, I’ll make sure not to hurt everyone too much. I’m sure Azurine Vebbins will be back to sliding her crunchy ass crack up and down stripper poles in no time flat. Besides, the sort of shitty places she works at I promise you the clients don't care if the chick they’re shoving a dollar into the g-string of has a broken leg or messed up face. Trust me on that, I’ve been to those places my entire life and I didn’t mind if she had open sores.”
He blinks and smacks down on the gum in his mouth.
“I said what I said.”
He blinks a second time and does the same with the gum.
“Regardless, I don’t care if I can cram dollars down Azurine’s pants, I’m dropping her off the ladder if given the chance. Maybe I’ll make sure she lands on Murphy… he’s been running dry for eighteen months or so. I can imagine he needs that sort of action right now. As for the rest? I really don’t know and I really don’t care. I’m sure fans are going to think Silas Romero has himself a chance because he’s spread across the wrestling landscape even more so than herpes, but between you and me. Romero’s music playlist includes the likes of Nickelback and Maroon 5. So, the next time you see him working out in the gym just remember he’s probably blasting ‘Photograph’ at the max volume.
Max volume, folks.
Eavan Maloney is impressive… if you’re a dwarf. I don’t think she even has a chance of reaching the bottom rung let alone using one of these ladders at all. In fact, none of you know this right now but she’s pacing right below me right now waiting to see if she can even reach the rungs.”
“SLAAAAP!”
“SLAAAAP!”
“SLAAAAP!”
Cassidy climbs up a couple more rungs until more than half of his body is now over the top of the ladder. He looks down towards the ground and shakes his head.
“It’s not looking good for the Warmonger, kids. A midget with a mullet, seriously? This has got to be a parody.”
Slowly, Cassidy raises his head towards the camera. He grips the top of the ladder with both hands.
“But I’ll tell you a little joke, perhaps it’s a joke even Allen Chaney could appreciate. Call it a secret that I just couldn’t not tell, but since it’s going to all come out soon why not just spill the tea now. I can’t say that I’m the biggest fan of heights, in fact up until a couple of days ago I was sweating balls thinking I’d have to use one of these ladders. Yeah, turns out I’ve had my share of childhood trauma and ladders when I was forced to put up the Christmas lights.
But this is my seventy-fourth time climbing to the top of this ladder. I’ve forced myself over and over to do it. In the light, in the dark, I even hired someone to shake the ladder a couple of times as I climbed my way to the top. Why? Because I have to win, if that means I’m willing to overcome one of my childhood fears to do so. I also know that CULT is bringing in their heavy hitter in the Comedian. Multiple time world champion and the guy with more experience winning things than Azurine on the pole, Romero with Nickelback, Murphy dropping the soap and Maloney being denied a ride on the roller coast combined. Make sure you strap your boots on extra tight there Chaney, make sure you don’t drink any water you didn’t bottle yourself or pay attention to any sort of flashing lights… you’ve got a date with me and this ladder.
This ladder is slowly but surely becoming my new best friend, every inch of the steel and plastic that makes this thing up is starting to look like the back of my hand. I’m probably going to end up taking this ladder to the movies later and then to a nice dinner. And come Ladder Day Saints, we’re going to unleash everything we have on the heavy hitter in this match.
Like I said, I’ll do whatever it takes to win. And given the chance, I’d even set my best friend here on fire if it meant walking out with that guaranteed title shot down the line.”
“SLLAAAP!”
“SLLAAAP!”
“SLLAAAP!”
Cassidy smacks the top of the ladder a couple more times before climbing until his feet are on the last rung before the top. He takes a long deep breath with his eyes closed before extending his arms out ‘I’m the King of the World’ Jack Dawson style, slowly a sick smile appears across his face as he opens his eyes and does a slow backwards plunge off the ladder right into the end of this promo.
But, it's not over!
Wait, are we doing that time traveling cliché thing in the promo? Oh come on, we haven’t even reached eighty-eighty miles per hour yet! Check the flux capacitor and what date is on the time cir--
About two weeks ago.
That sort of time travel doesn’t even require a helmet.
We are treated to the local morning news broadcast from a little place called Las Vegas, New Mexico. Again, it is really a place. They even broadcast in HD, huh? Fancy. Sitting at the morning desk is an ancient looking man that everyone knows as Ron, who should have probably retired years ago and alongside him is Jen, who is wearing enough foundation make-up right now to support a skyscraper. Not that there are any skyscrapers within five hundred miles of New Mexico, but you get the idea. The two of them have their fake smiles plastered across their fake faces and bring us back from commercials with some real hard hitting news.
Let’s go Ron.
“In local news, it appears that the Patrick Swayze Memorial Statue has once again been vandalized. According to police this time the person or persons involved covered the statue in honey and birdseed which attracted a large number of birds. And whenever you have that many birds, Jen, well you get the idea.”
He fake chuckles as does Jen. There are good odds that Jen is being told to just smile and laugh because she probably didn’t get the joke. She’s going to follow that up with some banter now.
“Wow, another New Year’s Eve prank Ron? That’s like the fourth year in a row that someone has done something to that statue. Wasn’t last year the Oreo cookie fiasco?”
“I think that was 2020, Jen.”
“Oh you’re right, last year was the listing on Zillow that nearly got the whole park purchased by the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund.”
“Yes, that was a clean up effort that we’ll never forget.”
But then, Jen has a thought of her own for once.
“You’d think by now the Sheriff would have someone watching the Patrick Swayze statue each and every single New Year’s Eve. Don’t you, Ron?”
Ron gives her the ‘we dont’ ask questions look or the black helicopters will show up’ before completely changing the subject.
“And now here’s Walt with the local weather.”
The scene cuts away before Jen can ask any other questions to some random dude standing outside with a microphone in his hands and we go to static.
