A Belated Self Gift

There have been contract offers.

A LOT of them.

Hot off the heels of the World Series of Wrestling, Allen’s stock had never been higher and his and his managers' DM's had been blowing up. Allen lived much more modestly than many others in his line of work but the offers of money didn’t interest him. Neither did offers of title shots, action figures, media deals to appear on other tv shows… none of that was particularly of interest.

See the day before was Christmas Eve. Allen just wanted to walk around downtown Kansas City and see the Christmas lights, a big jolly smile on the face of the man whose typical resting facial expression at least once a day has a stranger asking him ‘Hey, is everything alright?’ There were actual carolers out in the plaza, eager to perform in public now that it was a viable option once again and Allen dug into his pockets to find what little paper money he had to give them.

Then he overheard a guy passing by say ‘Ugh I’m so SICK of Christmas music’ and Allen could see some of the carolers get a little disheartened by this.

And he really wanted to powerbomb someone through a table about it.

Later that night and into the morning, Allen couldn’t sleep.

So, a tweet was made to the one place Allen figured could give him what he wanted on a regular basis.




An odd move for Allen. So many people considered him exclusively a PWE guy.

But this was a Christmas present to himself.

He just had to wait a while before he could unwrap it.

But man oh man would it be worth it.

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If anyone knows Allen, they know the sight we are seeing right now. Allen is on stage at a comedy club. A stool, brick wall, microphone, etc. For those who don’t know Allen, he is the overweight guy on screen right now in a black hoodie and dirty blue jeans. At his feet is a cat bed and a gray and white cat sleeping soundly.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve done this so many times now and frankly? I just can’t be bothered anymore.

Allen shrugs.

ALLEN CHANEY: The standard ‘The Comedian’ Allen Chaney introductory promo where I’m probably standing in a comedy club in front of a brick wall and I tell you all what the meaning of ‘Setup’ and ‘Punchline’ is and how comedy relates to pro wrestling and with a few variations I’ve done this promo every time I pop up in a new company but frankly? I’m not here to waste your time. Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to sound as dismissive or negative as it probably sounds. I’m actually pretty damn jazzed to be here.

A thumbs up from Allen.

ALLEN CHANEY: So let’s get into it.

The cat on the floor wakes up suddenly as if it is time to do something very important. He then begins to lick himself.

ALLEN CHANEY: Hi, I’m Allen. As standard as my usual introductory process typically is, even MORE standard are the ways people talk about me when they don’t know who I am so I’m sure that all of my opponents are having a fantastic time cutting the same promo everyone has cut on me about how I’m not funny or am a ‘joke’ and probably some comment about my weight because you’re all very special and unique and your farts are the only ones that smell good but if you all can take a moment to stop huffing them you can just ask anyone who I am.

Allen gestures around to the ‘anyone’ you can ask though he is alone in this room save for his cat. That’s Bill, by the way. Everyone likes Bill. It’s the law. Buy a plushie, fuckers.

ALLEN CHANEY: You’ll get a different answer from a lot of people. Not all of it’s gonna be positive. A lotta people may bring up that I have a World Championship I’m not gonna mention because I don’t personally believe in showing up in a company to brag about shit you did in other companies. Clean slate as far as I’m concerned. Maybe they’ll bring up the World Series of Wrestling, maybe they’ll bring up that I’m dating Jennie Fenix and before anyone says anything, I ALSO think she is way out of my league but I’m done questioning it because I’m like crazy about her but that’s also none of your business.

That’s the most Allen has really said, he seemed pretty private about that part of his life.

ALLEN CHANEY: But most people just know me as the Funny Fat Fuck with anxiety issues and a cat. There have been questions regarding my motives in signing with CU:LT and I can clear those up real easy. I’m here for no other reason than this is where I want to be and if you have any issues with believing that or believe I have ill intent I invite you to go fuck your mother about it.

Allen makes a hand gesture as if he is actually handing the viewer this invitation. Bill looks at his hand as it moves but then realizes nothing particularly interesting to a cat who doesn’t understand person words and he just goes back to sleep.

ALLEN CHANEY: There’s nothing terribly complicated about it. I’m here because I really really REALLY like putting people through tables. I really like the idea of splitting open the flesh of someone with light tubes, barbed wire, and gardening tools. Most importantly to our current situation, I like jumping off high things and seeing the look on the face of the people I’m diving onto below me right before my fat ass squishes them. I’m here because Casanova ‘Big Dick’ English understands that there are some people who need this as an outlet more than they need a championship. Don’t get me wrong, belts are cool and I’d very much like to win this match and get a shot at a title and for everyone to tell me how talented and cool and handsome I am and be like ‘do I wanna kiss Allen Chaney right now?’ but don’t actually do it but the thought is still lingering there and they can’t unthink that thought no matter how hard they try but they know it’s there so instead they just kinda awkwardly say ‘hey’ and I say ‘hey’ back and you think maybe you’re getting a vibe from me that I’m into it but then you remember I’m not single and then its a week later and the small moment turns to obsession. You’ve built a shrine to Allen Chaney in your home and you break into his apartment to steal bits of his hair from his hairbrush and to sniff his dirty laundry and… and uh…

A pause.

ALLEN CHANEY: What the fuck was I talking about? I blacked out there for a second. Anyway, yeah. I understand that this match is for a big time title shot so I think there’s an important distinction to be made here… I’m here to have fun but I’m not here to fuck around. Does that make sense? I have ‘hurt people’ and ‘win match’ as equal objectives on my to-do list for the Highway Robbery match and doing the first makes the second easier. That’s science, baby.

A thumbs up and a smile from Allen.

ALLEN CHANEY: In the long run a title shot means more matches means more violence against a variety of talented individuals I can throw and smash in exciting new ways. Sounds like reason enough to win this match and become champion for me. I’ll wear the ‘Most Violent Motherfucker’ Championship with pride while eagerly awaiting the challenge of any thinking they can take it from me and hey! Speaking of being challenged by Motherfuckers aspiring to my level of violence, let’s talk about the crowd of folks who I mostly don’t who are joining me on my new ladder-and-violence based improv show. I mean, I know one of them. Dated her sister. Terrified of redheads to this day because of her. It felt like every other day I’d move a chair or something and she’d say ‘In my culture this means we are engaged’ and I’m pretty sure that’s given me PTSD. A few weeks ago Jennie left some clothes at my place and was super confused when I called her to make sure we weren’t married. That took a long time to explain.

Awkward pause is awkward.

ALLEN CHANEY: Anyway yeah. Quite a varied bunch of opponents in the ring with me and we are a wide range of artists and I’m excited to see the art we make together. I’m not a ‘dancer’ but I certainly don’t have two left feet when it comes to violence. I’m not a ‘Warmonger’ because I don’t know what it means to ‘mong’. Maybe I should learn and start monging the shit outta some war all over the place. Just mong all over you fuckers.

Allen briefly wonders how much of a bit he can make out of just saying ‘mong’ but fortunately for all of us he restrains himself.

ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve never been a ‘Natural’ and had to work pretty fucking hard to get where I’m at now. I ain’t a ‘technician’ but I do think it’s funny when people talk up how good of a ‘technician’ they are. Stepping into the most exciting and unique combat sport on the planet and choosing to focus mostly on getting good at side headlocks is like when someone says their favorite show is ‘The Office’. Basic bitch shit. ‘I know 80 different suplexes!’. Yeah, well I got really good at one or two suplexes and also have a Meat Tenderizer paired with little regard for whether or not your testicles function after the match is over. I should probably talk to my therapist. Eh, too late now. I’m also not a Tiger, by the way. I’m a human man. I am a cat guy, though and before I quit drinking I once shit in a litter box.

A pause as Allen thinks.

ALLEN CHANEY: Twice. Twice I shit in a litter box. I do NOT miss Tequila. One of those I convinced a dude that his cat must have been really sick and he probably paid for a LOT of unnecessary vet visits. Again, I quit drinking. Went through the program and everything. Anyway…

Allen realizes he has to find some way to end this.

ALLEN CHANEY: I mentioned before that I had a typical way of introducing myself but this felt more natural. I coulda sat here and explained joke structure to you all….Shaggy Dog Stories, puns, call-and-response, knock knock jokes, slapstick… and we’ll have time for that. But right now all I wanna do is bust this violence nut I’ve been edging for like two months now.

Allen thinks for a few moments before smirking.

ALLEN CHANEY: You know maybe all you hacks and hecklers have a point when you say I’m not a very good Comedian because if everything goes my way by the end of this match? I’m gonna be the only one laughing. Setup. Punchline.

Allen puts his mic back on the stand and picks up his cat before he gives us a wink. Hard cut to black.