Ugly American, Shitty Food

There is a look of displeasure and discomfort on the face of The Comedian as he stands on the Victoria Embankment, the London Eye visible behind him across the River Thames. Allen has the look of someone who is wearing clothes that are all slightly incorrect sizes. Just a vague sort of everything not being right.

ALLEN CHANEY: Whenever Hack comedians come over to the UK they always talk about how terrible the food here is and uh…. Yeah no I finally get it. I’ve been here three days. I’ve lost 10 pounds and I’m not talking about your money with pictures of that dead cunt on it. I’m sorry but if someone offers you pie or pudding and they taste somehow both ‘bland’ and ‘like vomit’ then you have fucked up as a culture and you should consider doing better. Yeah, I’m a fat American or whatever. I know I’m from the Midwest and I’ve eaten plenty of terrible food in my time but I’ve never had a dish set in front of me and immediately assumed it was a prank until earlier when I was introduced to ‘mushy peas’. This is not food you give to someone you love or even like. This is food you serve to your spouse after 20 years of marriage to get across the singular point that they have ruined your fucking life and the past two decades have been a waste.

A pause as Allen makes a face like he can feel the consistency in his mouth once more. A slight gag.

ALLEN CHANEY: I mean, my other option is to get some decent curry but as much as I like it I have a match I’m not eager to shit myself during and I feel like every bite would only taste of colonialism. Okay, maybe that bit is a little hypocritical. Every single white American has to ignore the terrifying screams and cries of thousands of angry Native American ghosts to enjoy a single Krispy Kreme donut but hey! When it comes to dealing with natives we learned it from watching you, DAD!

Allen points accusingly at the camera, presumably at ‘Dad’.

ALLEN CHANEY: Of course, maybe there is another added level of hypocrisy on my end. I showed up on day one in CU:LT and immediately won a shot at any title I want and I’m sure a lot of people probably have feelings about that. An outsider coming in and taking such an incredible prize right off the bat. I’m sure there are plenty of people here in this company who have been here a while and haven’t managed to get an opportunity like the one I have, and to those people I just wanted to say…hey maybe get better at this? Not trying to be a dick but apparently this place just makes me an assho- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

Allen says this to a couple who make fleeting eye contact with him before Allen remembers what he is standing in front of.

ALLEN CHANEY: YOU WERE PROBABLY LOOKING AT THE VIEW I AM SORRY FOR YELLING.

The couple walk away and Allen takes a few moments to take a few meditative breaths.

ALLEN CHANEY: CU:LT may seem like chaos to any outside observer, but I actually appreciate how simple things are over here. My previous attempt at stepping outside of my PWE comfort zone was FIGHT:NYC and… yeah it didn't really go well. FIGHT didn’t really match my sensibilities and I probably should have figured that out when I almost lost a match for doing a moonsault. Over at the other place where I do violence for money everyone thinks they’re some grand chessmaster playing mind games and shit and I just wanna beat people up. It seems like I have an opponent with similar interests and frankly that causes a tickle in my front pants place.

A shiver from Allen to simulate the sensation.

ALLEN CHANEY: Silas Romero. Hey boo.

Allen gives a flirty little wave to Silas.

ALLEN CHANEY: Si…can I call you Si? See what I’ve been able to gather about Si is that we REALLY can butter each other's bread because what I want out of a dream opponent is someone who will give as much as I give. It’s rare that I can find that. I’m not interested in sportsmanship and handshakes and shit like that, Si. I want us to beat seven shades of shit out of each other. Or as they call it in England: ‘Make pudding’. Okay sorry I’m done with that bit for now.

For now. You know it’ll come back.

ALLEN CHANEY: When I previously touched on you I mentioned that by and large I’m pretty unimpressed when it comes to people who dedicate their focus to ‘technical’ wrestling and for the most part, yeah. I stand by what I said. I feel no need to walk that statement back. I may not have a nice body or run grappling drills 12 hours a day. You know what I DO have? I’ve got a pile of Ribera jackets back home I’ve taken from ‘Strong Style’ dudes who thought an excursion to Japan made them invincible. They thought that right up until the moment I spiked them on their skull. It’s a pretty big jacket pile. I’ve fucked on it. Twice.

Allen let’s everyone take a moment to deal with that mental image while holding up two fingers.

ALLEN CHANEY: I pride myself on the fact that when it comes to hurtin folks in an entertaining way, I am your MAN. I can also take a hell of a beating though and while I may not be a big slab of meaty muscle like my opponent you don’t tend to give a fuck about getting banged up when you’ve got a face as ugly as mine so it really comes down to a bet. A bet that Si and I are gonna do all sorts of heinous shit to each other when that opening bell rings and that when push comes to shove… I can take more punishment than he can. I bet he crumbles first. Why make it any more complicated than that? Like I said, it’s the simplicity of things that really makes me like it here… so let’s break down another point in simple terms while we’re at it.

Allen leans down and picks something up off of the ground, showing us he’s got the Highway Robbery Briefcase, now with a big signature Comedian ‘Smiley Face’ sticker.

ALLEN CHANEY: You wanted this. You pretty confidently stated that you would be getting it. You didn't. I did. I know that can’t feel great. I know that means you’ve got something to prove in this match but when it comes right down to it… you coulda had this and you didn’t get it because of a fat dude who just wanted to jump off of something high. Stings don’t it? Show me. Show me how much it stings.

Allen sticks his chin out like a boxer offering an opponent a free hit.

ALLEN CHANEY: I made a previous point that though I do enjoy this work I DO also take it very seriously. If you think I’m here to fuck around and that you can fuck around in return then this is gonna go poorly for you. Come at me cocky and you’ll have to get really accustomed to English cuisine real fast. Mushy peas, mushy beef, all foods gotta be mushy when your jaw is broken. You show up with hack shit and like so many Open-Mic’ers in the past you’ll get the $9.99 Punchline and a Pin value combo and I’ll leave a little bit disappointed but otherwise content.

Allen makes a face of contentment.

ALLEN CHANEY: But again, we don’t have beef and whoever wins…probably me… it’s all chill. It’s an important skill to have in this industry. The ability to look someone in the eyes and earnestly say ‘I have the utmost respect for you’ or ‘You seem pretty chill.’ and then being able to stomp on their head nineteen times then ask if they wanna go to Waffle House after. I miss Waffle House. So yeah, this is a pre-emptive post-show peace offering. Maybe when all this is over you bring the Boston Cream Pie and Clam Chowder and I’ll bring the Kansas City Barbecue. I’m sorry I can’t stop talking about food. For as much as you hear about Fish and Chips you’d think they’d put even a speck of seasoning on them but no...and another thing! Jellied Eels? JELLIED FUCKING EELS?! How the fu-

The video fast forwards through what is probably another British food tangent. When it finally returns to normal Allen is out-of-breath from the tirade he apparently went on. He clears his throat and settles down then tries to remember what he was talking about. Then he notices the briefcase still in his hand.

ALLEN CHANEY: So now that I have this case….I guess everyone is wondering what the hell I’m gonna do with it and… well I think I’ve made it pretty clear that what I want to do in CU:LT is as much damage as physically possible. I want to leave a pile of broken furniture and bodies in my wake so yeah, take a fucking guess what I’ve got in mind for this case and uh…. Not to be too cocky or anything but when I get my match? I’m gonna fucking win. Called it a ‘called shot’ I guess. You can refer back to this when the time comes but I look forward to a future where I can snuff out anyone’s hopes of taking a title away from me.

A pause with a big cheesy smile as if to say ‘GET IT?!’

ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah I know that wasn’t a particularly clever hint. They can’t all be zingers. Fuck off. So yeah….Si. I’m looking forward to our match and then getting the fuck out of this country. Hold the flavorless Mash. Let’s go out and give these tea-suckers a fucking BANGER.

Allen turns around and looks at the London Eye in the distance behind him, the camera shifting it’s focus to get a good shot of it.

ALLEN CHANEY: Actually pretty cool. You know what would make it slightly cooler? Maybe put a cartoon character's face on it and maybe make it a five minute walk away from somewhere you can buy a churro and meet Spider-Man and basically I’m saying just go to Disney’s California Adventure instead of here. I will go against every anti-corporate bone in my body and bend the knee to Walt Disney. I’m sure the crowd here is gonna boo the shit out of me until I can go back to wrestling in a country that isn’t terrible but I….man I don’t care. I hate this fucking place. Setup and Punchline or whatever. Bye.

Allen just half-heartedly salutes before walking offscreen before we get a fade out to black.

We do end on a black screen with some white text.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Allen wishes to add that Scottish food is great and he’s not just saying that because of how much he likes his super hot Scottish girlfriend. Cranachan? Fucking magical. Say what you will about haggis but at least there’s goddamn seasoning and spices in it.