Post by kilroy on Mar 2, 2023 4:37:06 GMT
How does one decide between two people who will be the one to interview such a monstrous wretch that has already shown he has no qualms in harming absolutely anyone regardless of who they are? Why, you draw straws, of course! And when you lose, like Voodoo did, you gaslight Karl Childers into going in your place. After all, when you’ve been given the unenviable task of interviewing a brand new wrestler albeit one who’s already proven to be unhinged to the max, why risk everything when someone else can do it for you? Hey, it’ll teach Karl to stand up for himself every once in a while… if he survives tonight.
So, with the thought that his guest had already downed one Englishman in CU:LT, he slowly made his way to the interview room - very slowly, and with each step, another reason to take a step back, but his feet won’t comply. Hey, who’s to say this will turn out the same way the events at Bangers and Mash did? Surely Casanova English had already spoken to… the man… whose name… seemed to be… jaggedly etched diagonally… into the very door itself.
The unassuming name sent shivers down Karl’s spine, and the way it was permanently carved into the door leading to his doom didn’t help matters. Nevertheless, he clenched his fists tightly, took a deep, deep breath, exhaled, and entered the room. Karl put on his best, most convincing fake smile, and was immediately met with a vase zipping past him, shattering against the door.
???: YOU EVER HEAR OF KNOCKING?!
And before he could even take in the rest of the scene, he frantically exited.
Karl Childers: Sorry, sorry!
He wondered what horrible sin he must have committed to deserve this. Once he composed himself again, he knocked. No answer. Confused, he knocked louder, thinking he must have not been heard. Still nothing.
Karl Childers: What is going-
But then, the door swung open, and he came face-to-face with a livid KILROY.
KILROY: WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT PROSELYTISING WHILE I’M AT WORK?!
Karl Childers: I-I’m not! I’m Karl Childers!
KILROY looked confused.
Karl Childers: I swear to GOD I’m not Casanova English.
There was a lengthy pause. KILROY never once unlocked eyes with the already frightened interviewer. Then, he shrugged.
KILROY: Obviously.
Karl breathed a sigh of relief.
KILROY: You dooo sound like that guy who desperately triiiiied to con me into thinking he was my boss Casanova English though.
Karl’s eyes widened.
Karl Childers: I swear to GOD I’m not Anderson Shepley either!
KILROY: THEN WHO AAAARE YOU, TO BE BOTHERING ME WHEN I’M ALREADY WAITING FOR SOME PIPSQUEAK WHO’S, UH, UH-
KILROY looked at his watch. He doesn’t wear a watch.
KILROY: FIIIIVE MINUTES LATE FOR MY INTERVIEW!
He made sure to give a closeup shot of his open right hand to this insignificant Brit.
Karl Childers: Uh, um, well, uh, the thing about all that there is, is that, uh, I guess that’s me that’s late-
He then winced, prepared to die. But death did not come, not yet anyway. Death is ofttimes unkind. KILROY fully opened the door, and beckoned Karl to enter. Karl quickly glanced at the shaved gorilla, then made his way back into the room, taking a seat right by the-
KILROY: I was SITTING there!
And long before all the words came out, Karl had already instinctively moved out of the one chair and into another. KILROY soon joined him. In a completely different seat than the one he claimed to be his, of course.
Karl Childers: All right! So! Do you have a particular point you’d like us to start with?
KILROY looked at Karl as if he spoke to him in another language.
Karl Childers: Uh, guess there’s no better place than the beginning, huh?
KILROY: Well, in the late Spring of 1987, an ostrich hatched an egg and-
Karl Childers: Uh, I-
KILROY’s eyes became wide as saucers.
Karl Childers: Ah, I just think the fans at home would like to hear about your wrestling career.
KILROY continued to sit there, still wide-eyed, an unblinking. unstable colossus of a creature, his countenance towering over the sweaty interviewer.
Karl Childers: …So can I…
KILROY scoffed, then motioned for Karl to continue.
Karl Childers: So prior to CU:LT, where had you been wrestling?
KILROY: Wrestling?
Karl Childers: Right, uh, you know, who trained you, where else have you wrestled for, that sort of thing.
KILROY: Nobody trained me?
He said it more like a question, but he seemed more confused.
Karl Childers: Nobody TRAINED you?
KILROY: DID I ST-ST-STUTTER?!
Karl smartly shook his head.
Karl Childers: S-So CU:LT’s your first venture into professional wrestling, I take it?
KILROY: DID I SAY THAT?!
Karl shook his head again and looked like he was about to cry.
Karl Childers: Moving on! So earlier this week, CU:LT was in London, England for another memorable show in Bangers and Mash. Right at the start of the show, you interrupted Anderson Shepley and-
KILROY: And what?
Karl went silent and rigid.
KILROY: And, WHAT? I did WHAT? WHAT did I do to that geek pretending to be Casanova English?
Karl Childers: N-nothing! Nothing at all!
KILROY looked at Karl for a moment before he slapped both hands on the side of his chair, shot up out of his seat, and stormed right over to stand over Karl. He rested his hands on his hips, then slowly lurched down to get right into the smaller man’s face.
KILROY: Was… grabbing a hold of him nothing? Was… driving this elbow right here into the side of his head nothing? Was… trying to internally decapitate an innocent man… nothing?
The words were so whispered and raspy that Karl had to pay extra attention to them, and when the large nutter stopped, all Karl could do was sigh in frustration.
Karl Childers: What do you want me to say?
KILROY scowled, then grabbed a hold of Karl, pulling him up to his feet, then off of them, so they were once more eye-to-eye.
KILROY: I WANT you to saaayyy that you’re sorry for wasting my TIME with this pointless history lesson!
Karl Childers: I tried asking you what you wanted to talk about!!
KILROY looked disgusted. Moments later, he begrudgingly tossed Karl back into his comfy chair. He shook his head as he wandered back to his own seat, but the second he sat down, he got back up, opting for a seat closer to Karl. He then looked at the smaller man expectantly.
Karl Childers: So… as… a… result in the aftermath of… that… you’ve been added to CU:LT’s season two kickoff show, The Killdozer Cup, which boasts the eponymous 12-person deathmatch tournament.
KILROY shrugged, waiting to be wowed.
Karl Childers: And… to the winner will be the inaugural Killdozer Cup!
KILROY remained unimpressed.
KILROY: So. You see someone who looks like me-
Karl Childers: Oh no…
KILROY: -and you see an animal! Admit it! A big, dumb beast, right? All I could be good for is violence and bloodshed! You just looove seeing the lesser primates prance and dance for you while you watch from the safety of your seat! You say jump, we nobodies ask, “How high?”, huh? Well, you’re RIGHT! If I punch someone, I BETTER hear something crack, from me or from them, I really don’t CARE! I was born and bred for things that’d make regular dweebs like you CRINGE! And only in professional wrestling can you do things that’d get the average Joe arrested! That’s right up my alley!
Despite the concerning content of what was just said, Karl found himself feeling like he’s reached the exact point he wants to be at.
Karl Childers: And you’ll not only be facing one opponent initially, but two others! Your block could consist of anyone including-
KILROY: That girl who stuck her nose in my business?
Karl Childers: Uh, well, it can be Junko Souma, yes, but it could just as easily be-
KILROY: I’ll interrupt any and all matches if she’s not in the ring with me.
Karl Childers: Right, I understand you’d want to get back at Junko, but there’s 10 other competitors, so-
KILROY: Oh, I’m getting my hands on her, one way or the other. You decide whether that’s one way or the other.
Karl Childers: No no, that wouldn’t be my decision! It’s just, there’s, you know, Glum, Addy, Max Daemon-
KILROY: NONE of those names sound anything LIKE Junko Souma.
Karl Childers: We-well, she’s there too, yes, but you could also be up against somebody like Kaede Iruma, Craig Cogan, or Datura-
KILROY: See, you keep listing names, but I! Don’t! Hear! Junko Souma’s name!
Karl Childers: But there’s also Grace Leary, Veronica Strader, Johnny Bacchus, and Killie Reznik-
KILROY: AND?!
Karl Childers: …and Junko Souma, yes.
KILROY smiled. Karl smiled back, but then the smile slowly left the big man’s face. Karl’s smile left almost at the same time.
Karl Childers: So, uh, let’s talk about Junko Souma then?
KILROY: Nah.
Karl couldn’t help but let out an audible whimper.
KILROY: What’s there to talk about? Nevermiiiind that I’m the new kid on the block, in a brand-new country, a brand-new continent even, minding my business when this Casanova English impersonator is standing in the ring! Now, maybe YOU would just let him pretend to be your boss in front of thousands of fried fish and french fry-eaters, but not this guy. Not me. I owe my livelihood to Casanove English, and I’ll be DAMNED if some spindly old fogie was gonna steal his valor!
Karl Childers: So you’re saying this was all a misunderstanding?
Karl didn’t believe what he was asking, but he also wanted to live. The creepy giant just stared at the small man.
KILROY: Exactly. And this girl comes out of nowhere, cheapshots me, and I don’t fight back because I thought it was someone’s kid that rushed the ring! Maybe that bum’s daughter?
Somehow, Karl didn’t believe this maniac wouldn’t hurt a child.
KILROY: But no. It WASN’T someone’s kid. Well, maybe she is, but not Anderson’s! So it’s on. It’s on, and Casanova English knew, he knew right then and there, that Junko’s star went and done got aligned with my own-
KILROY then pulled his chair in closer to Karl’s, leaned in, draped his arm around the rightfully worried interviewer, and inhaled.
KILROY: And I’m about to hypernova. I am going to explode in every definition of the word on Junko Souma. My eyes only see her now. So when you ask me about Matt Damon or Veronica Lodge, ANY of those other names, I’m sorry, but they’re not Junko Souma, so why should I care?
Karl Childers: Because focusing only on one person out of another 10 might not be good for your odds of winning it all?
The painted-up freakshow didn’t seem to get it. After moments of glaring, he sighed.
KILROY: You’re free to go.
Karl’s body loosened, and he sheepishly smiled as he rose back to his feet.
Karl Childers: Well, thank you for your time, KILROY. This was definitely very informative.
He lied anew. And as he made his way to the door again, he couldn’t help but sense eyes, eyes all over him.
KILROY: Oh, hey, uh, so what was your name again?
Karl was confused at first, but then realized he had only assumed KILROY already knew it.
Karl Childers: Oh, it’s Karl, Karl Childers.
But KILROY shook his head.
KILROY: No. No it’s not.
Karl Childers: …It isn’t?
KILROY: No. You’re Junko Souma.
Karl Childers: No I’m no-
And with that, Karl was pulled back into the room, the door slowly closing behind him, then locking.
So, with the thought that his guest had already downed one Englishman in CU:LT, he slowly made his way to the interview room - very slowly, and with each step, another reason to take a step back, but his feet won’t comply. Hey, who’s to say this will turn out the same way the events at Bangers and Mash did? Surely Casanova English had already spoken to… the man… whose name… seemed to be… jaggedly etched diagonally… into the very door itself.
K i L R o y
The unassuming name sent shivers down Karl’s spine, and the way it was permanently carved into the door leading to his doom didn’t help matters. Nevertheless, he clenched his fists tightly, took a deep, deep breath, exhaled, and entered the room. Karl put on his best, most convincing fake smile, and was immediately met with a vase zipping past him, shattering against the door.
???: YOU EVER HEAR OF KNOCKING?!
And before he could even take in the rest of the scene, he frantically exited.
Karl Childers: Sorry, sorry!
He wondered what horrible sin he must have committed to deserve this. Once he composed himself again, he knocked. No answer. Confused, he knocked louder, thinking he must have not been heard. Still nothing.
Karl Childers: What is going-
But then, the door swung open, and he came face-to-face with a livid KILROY.
KILROY: WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT PROSELYTISING WHILE I’M AT WORK?!
Karl Childers: I-I’m not! I’m Karl Childers!
KILROY looked confused.
Karl Childers: I swear to GOD I’m not Casanova English.
There was a lengthy pause. KILROY never once unlocked eyes with the already frightened interviewer. Then, he shrugged.
KILROY: Obviously.
Karl breathed a sigh of relief.
KILROY: You dooo sound like that guy who desperately triiiiied to con me into thinking he was my boss Casanova English though.
Karl’s eyes widened.
Karl Childers: I swear to GOD I’m not Anderson Shepley either!
KILROY: THEN WHO AAAARE YOU, TO BE BOTHERING ME WHEN I’M ALREADY WAITING FOR SOME PIPSQUEAK WHO’S, UH, UH-
KILROY looked at his watch. He doesn’t wear a watch.
KILROY: FIIIIVE MINUTES LATE FOR MY INTERVIEW!
He made sure to give a closeup shot of his open right hand to this insignificant Brit.
Karl Childers: Uh, um, well, uh, the thing about all that there is, is that, uh, I guess that’s me that’s late-
He then winced, prepared to die. But death did not come, not yet anyway. Death is ofttimes unkind. KILROY fully opened the door, and beckoned Karl to enter. Karl quickly glanced at the shaved gorilla, then made his way back into the room, taking a seat right by the-
KILROY: I was SITTING there!
And long before all the words came out, Karl had already instinctively moved out of the one chair and into another. KILROY soon joined him. In a completely different seat than the one he claimed to be his, of course.
Karl Childers: All right! So! Do you have a particular point you’d like us to start with?
KILROY looked at Karl as if he spoke to him in another language.
Karl Childers: Uh, guess there’s no better place than the beginning, huh?
KILROY: Well, in the late Spring of 1987, an ostrich hatched an egg and-
Karl Childers: Uh, I-
KILROY’s eyes became wide as saucers.
Karl Childers: Ah, I just think the fans at home would like to hear about your wrestling career.
KILROY continued to sit there, still wide-eyed, an unblinking. unstable colossus of a creature, his countenance towering over the sweaty interviewer.
Karl Childers: …So can I…
KILROY scoffed, then motioned for Karl to continue.
Karl Childers: So prior to CU:LT, where had you been wrestling?
KILROY: Wrestling?
Karl Childers: Right, uh, you know, who trained you, where else have you wrestled for, that sort of thing.
KILROY: Nobody trained me?
He said it more like a question, but he seemed more confused.
Karl Childers: Nobody TRAINED you?
KILROY: DID I ST-ST-STUTTER?!
Karl smartly shook his head.
Karl Childers: S-So CU:LT’s your first venture into professional wrestling, I take it?
KILROY: DID I SAY THAT?!
Karl shook his head again and looked like he was about to cry.
Karl Childers: Moving on! So earlier this week, CU:LT was in London, England for another memorable show in Bangers and Mash. Right at the start of the show, you interrupted Anderson Shepley and-
KILROY: And what?
Karl went silent and rigid.
KILROY: And, WHAT? I did WHAT? WHAT did I do to that geek pretending to be Casanova English?
Karl Childers: N-nothing! Nothing at all!
KILROY looked at Karl for a moment before he slapped both hands on the side of his chair, shot up out of his seat, and stormed right over to stand over Karl. He rested his hands on his hips, then slowly lurched down to get right into the smaller man’s face.
KILROY: Was… grabbing a hold of him nothing? Was… driving this elbow right here into the side of his head nothing? Was… trying to internally decapitate an innocent man… nothing?
The words were so whispered and raspy that Karl had to pay extra attention to them, and when the large nutter stopped, all Karl could do was sigh in frustration.
Karl Childers: What do you want me to say?
KILROY scowled, then grabbed a hold of Karl, pulling him up to his feet, then off of them, so they were once more eye-to-eye.
KILROY: I WANT you to saaayyy that you’re sorry for wasting my TIME with this pointless history lesson!
Karl Childers: I tried asking you what you wanted to talk about!!
KILROY looked disgusted. Moments later, he begrudgingly tossed Karl back into his comfy chair. He shook his head as he wandered back to his own seat, but the second he sat down, he got back up, opting for a seat closer to Karl. He then looked at the smaller man expectantly.
Karl Childers: So… as… a… result in the aftermath of… that… you’ve been added to CU:LT’s season two kickoff show, The Killdozer Cup, which boasts the eponymous 12-person deathmatch tournament.
KILROY shrugged, waiting to be wowed.
Karl Childers: And… to the winner will be the inaugural Killdozer Cup!
KILROY remained unimpressed.
KILROY: So. You see someone who looks like me-
Karl Childers: Oh no…
KILROY: -and you see an animal! Admit it! A big, dumb beast, right? All I could be good for is violence and bloodshed! You just looove seeing the lesser primates prance and dance for you while you watch from the safety of your seat! You say jump, we nobodies ask, “How high?”, huh? Well, you’re RIGHT! If I punch someone, I BETTER hear something crack, from me or from them, I really don’t CARE! I was born and bred for things that’d make regular dweebs like you CRINGE! And only in professional wrestling can you do things that’d get the average Joe arrested! That’s right up my alley!
Despite the concerning content of what was just said, Karl found himself feeling like he’s reached the exact point he wants to be at.
Karl Childers: And you’ll not only be facing one opponent initially, but two others! Your block could consist of anyone including-
KILROY: That girl who stuck her nose in my business?
Karl Childers: Uh, well, it can be Junko Souma, yes, but it could just as easily be-
KILROY: I’ll interrupt any and all matches if she’s not in the ring with me.
Karl Childers: Right, I understand you’d want to get back at Junko, but there’s 10 other competitors, so-
KILROY: Oh, I’m getting my hands on her, one way or the other. You decide whether that’s one way or the other.
Karl Childers: No no, that wouldn’t be my decision! It’s just, there’s, you know, Glum, Addy, Max Daemon-
KILROY: NONE of those names sound anything LIKE Junko Souma.
Karl Childers: We-well, she’s there too, yes, but you could also be up against somebody like Kaede Iruma, Craig Cogan, or Datura-
KILROY: See, you keep listing names, but I! Don’t! Hear! Junko Souma’s name!
Karl Childers: But there’s also Grace Leary, Veronica Strader, Johnny Bacchus, and Killie Reznik-
KILROY: AND?!
Karl Childers: …and Junko Souma, yes.
KILROY smiled. Karl smiled back, but then the smile slowly left the big man’s face. Karl’s smile left almost at the same time.
Karl Childers: So, uh, let’s talk about Junko Souma then?
KILROY: Nah.
Karl couldn’t help but let out an audible whimper.
KILROY: What’s there to talk about? Nevermiiiind that I’m the new kid on the block, in a brand-new country, a brand-new continent even, minding my business when this Casanova English impersonator is standing in the ring! Now, maybe YOU would just let him pretend to be your boss in front of thousands of fried fish and french fry-eaters, but not this guy. Not me. I owe my livelihood to Casanove English, and I’ll be DAMNED if some spindly old fogie was gonna steal his valor!
Karl Childers: So you’re saying this was all a misunderstanding?
Karl didn’t believe what he was asking, but he also wanted to live. The creepy giant just stared at the small man.
KILROY: Exactly. And this girl comes out of nowhere, cheapshots me, and I don’t fight back because I thought it was someone’s kid that rushed the ring! Maybe that bum’s daughter?
Somehow, Karl didn’t believe this maniac wouldn’t hurt a child.
KILROY: But no. It WASN’T someone’s kid. Well, maybe she is, but not Anderson’s! So it’s on. It’s on, and Casanova English knew, he knew right then and there, that Junko’s star went and done got aligned with my own-
KILROY then pulled his chair in closer to Karl’s, leaned in, draped his arm around the rightfully worried interviewer, and inhaled.
KILROY: And I’m about to hypernova. I am going to explode in every definition of the word on Junko Souma. My eyes only see her now. So when you ask me about Matt Damon or Veronica Lodge, ANY of those other names, I’m sorry, but they’re not Junko Souma, so why should I care?
Karl Childers: Because focusing only on one person out of another 10 might not be good for your odds of winning it all?
The painted-up freakshow didn’t seem to get it. After moments of glaring, he sighed.
KILROY: You’re free to go.
Karl’s body loosened, and he sheepishly smiled as he rose back to his feet.
Karl Childers: Well, thank you for your time, KILROY. This was definitely very informative.
He lied anew. And as he made his way to the door again, he couldn’t help but sense eyes, eyes all over him.
KILROY: Oh, hey, uh, so what was your name again?
Karl was confused at first, but then realized he had only assumed KILROY already knew it.
Karl Childers: Oh, it’s Karl, Karl Childers.
But KILROY shook his head.
KILROY: No. No it’s not.
Karl Childers: …It isn’t?
KILROY: No. You’re Junko Souma.
Karl Childers: No I’m no-
And with that, Karl was pulled back into the room, the door slowly closing behind him, then locking.
