~~~THE STATE OF THE UNION~~~
What a day! The Republican Mayor of Fresno, Terry Meyer, a pseudonym in case they see this, was in town for the No-llywood Convention, a very anti-Hollywood soiree, taking place in - you guessed it: Hollywood. FUCKing brilliant! Besides the inconsequential average mouth-breathing schmucks wearing red caps and holding barely literate signs, there were special guests in attendance: Alyssa John-Hurt, Chelsea Glamour, Gino Summons, Jim Allen, Roxanne Barrio, the list of z-list celebrities with nothing of value on the horizon is endless!
But once Terry Meyer made his way to the podium, their job woes were temporarily alleviated. He wore a big cowboy hat with “MAGA” embroidered on the front of it. The cheers were deafening. He acted a bit like Hulk Hogan pandering to the fans, but then played it off as if he were just being a silly goose and positioned himself in front of the gaudy tacky podium. Use your imaginations, I don’t care about describing SHIT!!!
“My fellow Americans, we, the people, are at the precipice of greatness!”
The audience collectively and very dumbly exclaimed, “Huh? Whuh?”
“Uh, I mean, my fellow Americans, we, the people, are WINNING!!!”
This elicited tremendous cheers from the troglodytes. This made the mayor quite pleased; even in sinful Hollywood can he find like-minded creatures.
“We have made GREAT strides in getting our way regardless of who tried to sabotage our glorious plans! The rights of the so-called marginalized of society can never - NEVER trump our CONSTITUTION!”
The electrified audience exploded with such intense force, you WISH it was literally!
And while the chimpanzees chitter and squeal, none other than KILROY happened to walk on by, but this surely must have been intentional, because he’s wearing a red, white, and blue furry trench coat.
“GET THAT BUM OUTTA HERE!!” whines James Woods loudly. Yeah, that’s right, his name didn’t get masked. Fuck James Woods.
“No, wait.” Jerry Dyer- I mean, Terry Whatever said as he held up a hand. “Now this young man may seem a degenerate, but look at how he openly and proudly displays those colours that can never run! The colours of the greatest nation in the galaxy: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!”
Lather, rise, repeat. KILROY just looked on confusedly.
“I-in fact, you know what? In order to be a man of the people, for the people, and by the people, I’m gonna let this patriot take the stage!”
The crowd may not have cheered had the mayor of Fresno not used the word “patriot”. We simply may never know. Nor care.
Terry motioned for KILROY to join him up at the podium, and after some cajoling from the suddenly more encouraging crowd, he pointed to himself, shrugged, then boogie-woogied his way up the prestigious ReDRUNKlican. Terry patted KILROY on the back, which caused the big man to dart him a look. THE look.
“Now, son, why don’t you tell us all your name!”
KILROY leaned in to the mic, saying “KIL-squeeeee-”
The feedback elicited some chuckles from the chuckleheads. Terry smirked, “Let’s try that again.”
KILROY nodded, and replied, “KILROY, sir.”
“And where did you get that fine jacket from?” Terry dared ask.
“Oh!” KILROY said as he showed off his trench coat to the mob. “This ol’ thing? I found some cat named Clint Something wearing it and I po-LITELY asked if he could willingly give it to me, and you know what that son of a bitch said to me? ME, KILROY?! ‘No, it’s mine, leave me alone you stink!’”
“Uh, I beg your pardon?” Terry replied.
He peppered some laughter through his scoffing, “I mean, can, can you buh-liiiiiieeeeeeve that?! So of COURSE I beat him within an inch of his life, tossed his caaaarcass in a duuuumpster, and shoved it in front of a big ol’ truck!”
The crowd gasped.
Terry’s eyes widened, “You… seriously did that to Sampson?”
KILROY grabbed a hold of Terry by the lapels, “ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!”
Terry, now quite and rightfully terry-fied, sputtered out, “N-no, I never called you a liar!”
“YOU JUST SAID THE WORD LIAR RIGHT THERE!!!”
“NO! I-”
And bam bam bam went his head head head off the po po podium! So many times! The crowd, natural cowards, just stood by and watched it all happen. The shaved gorilla then tossed the lifeless politician unceremoniously off the stage. Oh right, I forgot to mention there was a stage. Well, what did you think???
KILROY then stood before the podium and immediately began speaking, “I’d very much like to take this opportuuuunity to address three, no, uh, FOUR! Four issues.
For starters, JJ SLAYER!!! I surely hope to holy heck that my name has been undelibully marked onto your very SOUL, if you even HAVE one, you little bitch! YES, I called you a LITTLE bitch! YOU know why!!! You wanna war with me?! You want that for REAL real?! GOOD!! I want it TOO! We’ll dance the night away in HELL soon enough!
Secondly, Max Daemon, a little BIRDY told me, before I ATE it, that a while back you had some VERRRY strong words for KILROY! I don’t know why! I mind my business, I keep to myself, and I’m well-liked by at LEAST my best friend Casanova English, and if you play your card wrrrrONG, you’ll be wuh-HISHING you could go back in time and assassinate yourself before I DID!!!
Then of course and most importantly of all, Junko Souma! You’ll always be better than each! And EH-VUH-REE bum in this lil ol’ wrestling world of ours! You’re DEFINITELY better than every bum out HERE! And I DARE you to boo me!!!”
They most certainly do not boo.
“Junko was the one. The OH-NUH-LEE one, who could end me! NOW what am I s’pose ta do, HUH?! Wait for guys named JJ and MAX to stop me? Puh-LEASE!!!
And finally, Sunshine the Dinosaur? At CU:LT TV, I’m eatin’ bronto-burgers whether you like it or NOT!!!”
He wanted so very much to drop the mic, but it was pretty fixed in place atop the podium, so he just dropped the podium into the stellar cast of douchebag celebrities that no one gives a shit about anyway.
