Post by kilroy on Aug 26, 2023 3:49:00 GMT
“CH-CH-CHANNEL 13 PRE-PRESENTSSSS:
CULT! CULT. CULT:TV! TV!! TVeeeeee…
Live from
Live from the
Live from the Meadowland (Meadowland) Arena! (Arena.) in East Rutherfo-Rutherford, New Jersey! And boy, do we have a stacked card this this this
August 30, kicking things off with-
4erfdwfwd4vvfbv
AND IN THE MAIN EVENT! MAIN EVENT. Main event, we have NEW CULT:TV Champion SUNSHINE THE
D
It’s dark. Foul-smelling, dark, and damp. I don’t remember it raining.
Hmm.
Oh. I open my eyes; it’s a bit brighter, but not by much. Man, does it stink! Where the hell am I even?
I get up.
Everything feels weird to walk on. Some places more than others. Some places wetter than others.
The further I go, the worse it smells. I can’t put my finger on it. Rotten stuff? Normally I love the smell of rotten stuff. This is otherworldly, like a graveyard of only the most revolting things. And it’s very hard to get a breath out; the air is heavy and challenging to breathe in without gagging.
My vision adapts: I can make out some more things, but everything is all vague and slick to touch.
Yes, everything here is damp and even if I wipe my hands on a dry part of my trench coat, they don’t stop stinking, they’ll never stop stinking. But I won’t know until later.
I wander for what seems like forever; it’s too hard to just power through it all, so it’s hard to say how much distance I’ve made. Nothing much changes - some areas are wetter, some darker, some even more stinking than usual. What do I do?
Then I come across something definitely recognizable: a skeleton! It’s hard to make out of what, so I’m going to assume it must be human. I mean, what else could it be?
But then, I come across other skeletons, corpses of all levels of decomposition. I dare not touch nary a one. Am I inside Mount Lee?! DID SOMEONE FIND MY- never mind. There’s absolutely nothing I’ll come across that can mess with me. Nothing!!
But the bodies become more and more of a common occurrence, all sorts of sizes… and shapes? I think?
I’ve been walking for what felt like an eternity. Even I’m exhausted by this point. It was like trudging through mud, or rather, something like mud, but stinkier.
Stinkier…
Wait…
AM I INSIDE OF A
.
.
.
A
.
.
.
.
.
A D I N O S A U R ? ? ?
It’s still the same day. At least I think it is. It’s hard to tell. I took a nap (or maybe I passed out due to the putrescence) on a cradle of oversized ribs. Thankfully it was dry on this elevated surface.
I still can’t believe a dinosaur ate me! I didn’t even know there were any more around these days! Well, besides Sunshine. He must be a dinosaur, because dragons aren’t real and dinosaurs were! And Sunshine is real, so Sunshine the Dragon is…
I guess there’s a better time to think about my opponent.
So I hop on off my makeshift bed, sinking into the dinosaur guts a bit, pull myself out, and now I’m barefoot.
It feels pretty nice if I don’t think about it too much.
I need to trace back my steps: what was I doing before I was eaten by a dinosaur? And what kind of dinosaur was man enough to take me on in the first place?!
I have to think about it, but the smell, THE SMELL!!
There’s only one logical conclusion I can come to:
SUNSHINE THE DINOSAUR PUT A HIT OUT ON ME!!!
It makes perfect sense: that scaly scrapper scarcely scraped by ME, KILROY, during our first encounter, and he went on to go from a ravager of children to a champion of their parents. Utterly sickening. Undeserved. An evil that must be extinguished from CU:LT. AND HE KNEW I WAS THE ONE, HE KNEW IT!!
So, he pays off some stupid Tyrannosaur to do his dirty work for him, and here I am, mercifully swallowed whole, well, not so mercifully for this opportunistic oversized newt! Typical of a dinosaur!! Just you wait until I reach your brain, because I’m going to box it HALF as many times as I intend to wallop Sunshine!
Now I know your secrets! Now I know your ways! You’ve put on the magic act of the century last month, but I’ve SEEN the performance and I now KNOW the tricks! I just have to lower my grip when strangling you, and I do in fact plan on doing just that! And believe me, I’ll leave this overstuffed chicken’s head on your pillow, screaming DON CORLEONE SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES!!
But first I need to find a way out of here.
I decide that it’s best to keep walking until there’s no more dinosaur bones; that way I know I’m going in either the direction I want, or I’m shit out of luck.
Occasionally, I’ll hear what appears to be a tremendous roar. It sounds unearthly. A sound so reverberating and muffled that it addles the senses. I follow that sound. At least, I try to: it doesn’t occur too often, but it’s not like I’m in a rush.
Oh wait, what day is it today? When’s my match? Did it already happen? Did Sunshine’s plan work?!
I guess I am in a rush after all, because even if this stunt costed me the match, it will most definitely cost Sunshine his LIFE!
So, I power forward, confident I’m headed in the right direction.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
WHERE’S MY BIBLE BELT?!
I lose time, I backtrack, I get lost a few times, but then I reunite with my precious Bible Belt. I kiss it. I vomit. I kiss it again and only gag. Then, I retrace my steps, I get lost a few times, but then I’m pretty sure I’m back where I left off.
Eventually, the air begins to feel fresher, though it’s still revolting. How big is a Tyrannosaurus anyway?!
Eventually, the area gets brighter, though it’s still quite dark. This trek was easier than it should have been; the dumb beast must be sleeping! This is my opportunity.
Finally, I come across what cartoons have taught me is the direct inside of the head! Above, I see a hole which surely must lead to the brain! Once I’m there, they’re gone!!
I climb up the sides, slipping many times. With more fresh air and light than ever before, and with victory closer than ever before, I’ve motivated myself enough that I reached this brain-hole.
It’s pretty small.
I think I can squirm my way through, but I have to hope this creature’s eyes don’t see me coming from the inside. Now I really do hope it’s sleeping!
I get stuck.
This is bad.
What am I supposed to do?
This orifice seems to be contracting. If I’m lucky, I’ll be quickly crushed to death.
Yes, I can feel it now: the sweet caress of oblivion tickles my sides until the excruciating pressure banishes me from this dinosaur’s head! Was my greatness too much of a mind-blowing experience for it?!
Either way, I think these things I’m touching are clouds!
Outside the Meadowland Arena, Voodoo stands just to the side of the entrance. She appears to be doing some calculations in her head, looking between the ground to her left and the sky.
“If I timed this right, my guest today should be…”
Moments later, a sound can be heard, faintly at first, then definitely someone screaming. Voodoo looks up and nods, “Coming in…”
Louder and louder the yelling gets, “Right about…”
THUD
“Now.” She turns to address the camera. “KILROY, the first challenger to Sunshine the Dragon’s CULT:TV Championship is here with us today. KILROY, what do you plan on doing differently this time around?”
As Voodoo is casually speaking as if a whole-ass human hadn’t just fallen out of the sky next to her, KILROY, covered in pungent ambergris, slowly makes his way to his feet. He is obviously very groggy, but considering what just happened, he should be so lucky he’s just that.
“I’m, uh, I’m, gonna, like, suh-tuh-RANGLE that godless creature exactly-uhhhhh half a foot lower than I deed the laaaast tiiiiime.” he replied, coherently enough.
Voodoo looks the madman over, then asks, “Where’s your Bible Belt?”
The dazed look gets immediately replaced with one of wide-eyed concern. “Where IS my Bible Belt…”
Moments later, it too plummets from the sky, conking KILROY right atop the pate. He grabs it before it falls to the ground, “Oh, there it is.”
“What exactly happened to you?” Voodoo asked. Her preternatural senses told her only so much. She then backs up a bit. “I’m sorry, but you smell foul.”
“That’s RIGHT, lady!” KILROY retorted defiantly. “ME, KILROY, a, a VICTIM of shenanigans! Youuuuu know what I’m talkin’ about!”
“I-I actually don’t…” she replied.
“So there I was, in the belly of the beast, awaiting certain doom. Your beLOVEd Sunshine - or should I say Sunstroke, because just like 658 Americans annually, THAT MOTHERFUCKER TRIED TO KILL ME!!!”
“Can you elaborate?” Voodoo called out from half a block away.
“Sunstroke the Dinosaur, as I’ll be a-callin’ him now, hired a mercenary Tyranadasaurus ta try ta take me outta the equaaaaaation, can I make myself any cuh-LEARER to you?! How ‘bout dis: Sunstroke the DINO!SAUR! Is a con-reptile! A sham! A Tyshamosaurus Rex! Nevermind ME, KILROY, this motherfucker’s DANGEROUS!”
“Uh-” is all Voodoo can get out before becoming once more overwhelmed by the dumb daft diatribe.
“Why! Why oh why did Casanova English - my best friend; I saaaaid that already diiidn’t I?”
Voodoo sighs, “You… said that, yes.”
“Which makes this allllll the more weird to me! But I get it, lady, I dooooooOOOOOOO. My dear friend Casanova English wanted to give, to give this, this, thisthisthis ah, this MENACE, yeah, MENACE a chance to do good, like meeeeee, and wha-hut does the ingrate do? Beat me in a match, win some belt, and now my sweet baby boy Casanova English, he runs up to me, ME, KILROY!! and practicalally BEGS me to take him out, as he’s too busy with work. SO AM I TO SAY NO TO A FRIEND? AM I?! What kinda, umm, what’s the word, HERO, yeah, HERO! What kinda HERO would I be if I said no! Tell me! TELL ME!!”
“OKAY!” Voodoo shouts back, “I guess you’d be a bad one?”
KILROY pauses, scowling at Voodoo for an uncomfortable amount of time. Finally, he replies, “That’s RIGHT.”
“So this is officially personal for you now?” Voodoo asked, because she just hated herself right now.
KILROY would have gotten up close to her, but she keeps moving away. On account of the sickening odor. “This is Junko. Souma. serious.” he said in Batman levels of volume.
“WHAT?!” Voodoo called out.
“JUNKO SOUMA, JUNKO SOUMA SERIOUS I SAID!!”
“Continue!” Voodoo said.
“Sunstroke the DEVIL I’ll call him now, he made a biiiiig misTAKE!! He let ME, KILROY, live! But we can’t blame our so-called friendly little dragon, uh-cuz how could he have in! a! MILLIONNNN years knew his stupid beast could, not, get, the, job, DONE! Who’s killed me yet, huh? Uh, would that be, uh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObodyyyyyyyyyy?! So what am I suppose-a-ta do NOW? Slay the wicked beast LIVE in front of a big ol’ crooowwwd?”
He thinks about it for a bit, then begins to nod. No smiles, just nods of determination.
“Yes. I do. I gotta. I WILL.”
“And does your bible belt factor into this high-profile match in any way?” Voodoo asked because 2500 words hadn’t been reached yet.
“Uh, that’s Bible Belt, both B’s capitalized?” KILROY mysteriously said, eerily knew.
“Right, that.” Voodoo replied.
“THIS THING-” KILROY began, holding up the equally revolting belt, the bible pages soaked to the core. “Is the start of some-a-thing biiiig, lady! For you see, li’l secret I’m kinda bayshful to bring up out of the blue to strangers-”
“We’ve met before…” Voodoo muttered.
“But, well, here goes: I… well, I decide reality. Yup. I said it. I’m SOREY if that rubs SOME people the wrong wayyyy, but it’s true. I decide where I live, what I eat, how I dress, where I fight, and even whether I win or not! Betcha didn’t know THAT, but it’s true!
Everything, lady, EH-vuh-re-THING you know, CU:LT, Shepley, Casanova English, Junko Souma, Sunstroke the Dinosaur, and yes, even YOU are all figments of my own imagination running out of controoooool!
You’re all like dolls-NO! Action figures, yeah, action figures that a saaaaad wittle boy plays with in front of mom and pop’s trailer at the trailer park in Byhalia, Mississippi! When I go to sleep tonight, you’ll all vanish, but don’t you worry yer pretty li’l heads over it, cuz you’ll ALL live on, live on in my dreamssssssss!
Now doesn’t that all just make alllll the sense in the whole wide world now that it’s been done laid out fer ya?”
“I’m leaving now.” is all Voodoo said before vanishing into the shadows.
KILROY looked on, expecting her to come back any minute now. He furrowed his brow.
“Why isn’t she coming baaaack?” he whined. “I thought you wanted to know what this Bible Belt has to do with all this!”
Then, he concentrated really really hard. “Come onnnnn, make reality do what I waaaaant it tooooo!!”
But when he opened his eyes, Voodoo was still MIA. KILROY shrugged.
“Whoa, I see stars.” he woozily observed before stumbling off-camera, hopefully forever.
The next day, a reputable newspaper back at KILROY’s stomping grounds revealed this, hot off the presses: