HIGHWAY TO CULT:TV THE GREAT RESET

Well it’s me Karl Childers and while it might be a new era for CULT… it’s the same old fucking show right here where I give you all my clearly misguided takes on who I believe will win at the next upcoming CULT show. It’s time for BIG MATCH BREAKDOWN!


The Double Homicide Titles have been in turmoil. First Heartkilers drop them to VLI – then Bacchus gets his ass beat by Casanova English and can’t defend them. Now hundreds of thousands of Canadian dollars are being poured into the CULT Tag Team division. As a result we have four debuting tag teams all battling it out to be crowned champions. CumShot College has an interesting background – some well intentioned frat boy Chads recently expelled – I expect them to bust on the scene with some tenacity – but I don’t see them walking out champions in their first outing. I don’t know much about Zero Tolerance, but they do have an impressive stature… though I have seen plenty of big men shit the bed. ATSUKI has a decent resume and he also brought some major muscle along with him. In the end I think I have to give Los Sicarios de Sinaloa the nod in this one – they really seem like a team you shouldn’t fuck with.


Datura is on the run of her life here in CULT. She recently set the record for CULT Classic Championship defenses and shows no sign of dropping the belt any time soon. This week she could be facing her toughest competition yet… one half of Heartkillers, Kaede Irum. Iruma had a dominant run as one half of the Double Homicide Championships. She has main evented supershows and if she beats Datura and CULT:TV she could join her partner in getting a chance at major singles gold. Without the pressure of the championship on the line I think Iruma sneaks in on CULT’s best technical wrestler.


Holmes has lost a few in a row and isn’t quite looking like herself, meanwhile rookie Beaufort continues to impress. Fresh off a New World Championship loss I do thinK Serenity uses Beaufort to reinvent herself on her way to clawing back into the title scene.


This is Kilroy’s chance to prove he isn’t just a bumbling fool. He didn’t do a good job of that last episode of CULT:TV costing English and Bash Daddy a tag team win over Bacchus and Leary. Paul is off his first title win and with the way the odds are stacked here I don’t think there is anyway he isn’t walking out with the SNUFF Championship.


Tony Savage is a pretty big name in the world of wrestling… a nice signing for CULT as some major stars exit the company. Stockton put up a decent fight against Datura at CULT:TV last month, but I think Savage is going to win this one and show CULT just where he should be placed on the card.


If Cogan manages to beat the New World Champion in a non-title match I will eat my own asshole. I think Leary beats Cogan in impressive fashion and continues her dominance.


Everything the Sunshine hits belongs to The Dragon. Logan Bailey was pretty close to winning the six way scramble to kick off Natural Born Killers.. He’s a scrappy lad, but I don’t think he can slay the dragon. Sunshine is going to take another leap toward getting enough defenses of the TV title to challenge for the New World Championship!

Max Normal was watching a small television set. On its slightly distorted black and white screen, he navigates through some of the most bloody, grotesque, controversial, or all three events in CU:LT Wrestling history. He meticulously rewinds each scene, taking in the atrocities, skipping to others, a disgusted sneer permanently etched on his face.

Max Discipline enters the room. He sees his partner in the same position he was in the night before and shakes his head. Max Normal's fight was his fight, sure, but this was downright monomaniacal. "You still lost in the sauce, bruv?!"

Normal barely heard Discipline's words, and it took all of his willpower to yank himself away from the trainwreck of so-called "professional wrestling". He paused the video - not turned it off - and turned to address his less uptight partner. "It's disgusting, Max. This isn't what I trained to become: a bloodthirsty pincushion in a mockery of a wrestling company!"

"No, bruv, I get it," Discipline replied, "But I need ya at 1000% for this match, you feel me? This ain't some run-of-the-mill row."

Normal nodded, "I'm aware. This is our big chance to nip it all in the bud right off the bat. Can you imagine it: Zer0 T0lerance, in our first outing in this cesspool, takes out three other teams, and takes their Tag-Team Championships to boot.”

“Double Homicide Championships, bruv.” Discipline corrected.

“Sickening.” Normal said in a hushed tone. He then went back to watching the unwatchable.

Discipline immediately moved up to pause the DVD again.

“I was watching that.” Normal said.

“For 10 hours now, bruv!” Discipline exclaimed. “And it’s only a two-hour disc!”

“I need to immerse myself into the mindset of the psychopath.” Normal responded.

Discipline’s eyes darted back and forth. “Anyway, none of our opponents are gonna be found on that thing.”

Confused, Normal looks up at his partner, “No?”

Discipline shook his head, “Everyone innit’s new like us.”

“We’re not new.” Normal corrected. “We’ve been biding our time.”

“For years?!” Discipline snapped back.

Normal shrugged, “Perfection takes time.”

“Then we must be downright unstoppable.” Discipline retorted. “But again, stuff that disc and listen: this is what we call a golden opportunity, bruv. It’s do or die, and we need to be the doers.”

Normal nodded, turning off the TV. He stood up. “We’re not losing to anyone in this godforsaken hellhole. Not at CU:LT TV, never. Our mission is righteous and our wrath is merciless. We’ve been practicing teamwork for so long one of us could act like the other and nobody would notice.”

Discipline looked on with doubt.

“My point being,” Normal continued, “We are a fine-tuned machine. We are individual cogs that together power the weapon that - finally - normalizes all of these disgusting freaks.”

“Los Sicarios de Sinaloa seem normal.” Discipline interjected.

“What was that?” Normal said. You’d think someone from Texas would know some Spanish, but no. “I can’t even pronounce that name; how can it be normal?”

“It’s normal in Mexico.” Discipline said.

Normal nodded at this logic and dropped it.

“And maybe that ATSUKI&Company too?” Discipline added.

Normal shook his head, “That name’s not normal.”

“They could be.” Discipline rebutted.

“All right, they could be, but their name isn’t, and half-normal… isn’t normal!” Normal retorted, beginning to get visibly worked up. “And that… other team…”

“Cumshot Col-”

“DON’T SAY THAT NAME! DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT NAME!!” Normal roared before taking a breath to calm back down. “Utterly disgusting individuals, crass, brutish, vulgar, vile, revolting, evil, puerile, and those are likely their good qualities!”

“All right, all right, bruv, chill.” Discipline said. “But we ain’t facin’ their names, are we?”

Normal sighed, “No, we’re certainly not.”

Discipline grabbed Normal by the shoulders, “You and I need to focus, you feel me? Besides, what’s in a name anyway? These twats can’t hold a candle to Zer0 T0lerance. Hell, they’re candles without wicks: they’re there, but they ain’t lightin’ anything up! And we’ve got the biggest wicks of them all anyway!”

Normal fixed some semblance of a smile on his face as he patted Discipline on the back. He could always rely on Discipline to redirect the train.

“Ah, but, just be careful with those bawdy analogies next time.”

Discipline scoffed, then went to the kitchen to fix himself a high-vitamin, high-protein concoction of high-pulp orange juice and several raw eggs. Normal meanwhile sat back down and slowly reached for the remote.

“Oi, what’d we just discuss?!” Discipline exclaimed.

Normal abruptly dropped the remote back down. “I hate this show but love seeing these idiots kill themselves.”

After pounding down the revolting mixture, Discipline replies, “19 days, bruv, 19 days.”

“18 and a half days.” Normal corrected.

Discipline rolled his eyes. “18 and a half days.”