HIGHWAY TO CULT:TV S02E03

An external shot of North Hollywood High School is shown before transitioning to just outside the principal’s office. Within the waiting area, and across from the admin’s station, rows of seats are occupied by delinquents… class clowns… bullies… and KILROYs.

Luckily just one, actually.

The bully takes one look at KILROY and fearlessly and openly scoffs, “What’re YOU in here for, Doink?”

KILROY leans in, but has not come face-to-face with a bully who is therefore also an idiot. The bully can surely smell danger now, and it smells like expired shrimp and musty denim. “Ah reckon ah dunno who that is, but ME, KILROY, am here to set the story straight with yer princely-pal!”

The bully bullied their way into not having to sit next to KILROY anymore.

Thankfully, the administrator called out, “Mr. Kilroy, Principal Dooley will see you now.”

“It’s princely-pal.” KILROY ‘corrected’ before disappearing into the office.

Before him, a small, balding, bespectacled middle-aged man sat, trying to seem as stern as possible in the physical - and olfactory - presence of the wrasslin’ beast.

He cleared his throat, “Ah, so you’re Kilroy…”

KILROY just nodded, confusing Principal Dooley.

After his apparent look of expectancy led nowhere, the principal spoke up again, “Your last name?”

KILROY looked confused, “LAST name?!”

Dooley chose to move on. “A-anyway, I’ve been told by some students that some of the more troubled children approached you the other day to perhaps harm some of my students.”

“Yup.” was all KILROY responded with.

The principal’s eyes widened.

KILROY shrugged, “Not a good loCAAAAAAtiooooooonnnn if you were-ah tryna to stop that, HUH, chief?”

Principal Dooley was now stuck in a position where any action he takes could result in bone breakage the likes he’s never experienced before.

So instead, he naively asked, “But you’re not going to do that, right?”

“Maybe I will, maybe I willn’t!” he replied, “KILROY’s got puh-LENTY of time to maim a buncha kids and THEN go on to put my boss through a glassssss taaaable!”

The principal was speechless.

“And OH BOY, would I mule-ill-ate them kids!” KILROY said with such exuberance that it sickened Dooley to his very core. He pointed to his SNUFF Championship. “You see this? This is like a con-ger-eshunal medal for being the MOST violent!”

Principal Dooley rested his head in his hands, “Oh my God…”

“And that’s like, ahhhh, against WRESTLERS!” KILROY added excitedly. “These, these little weedy nerds would get piled UP, piled UP!!! 10 by 10, 40 by 40, 100 by- hey, how many kids go to this school anyway?”

“No no no.” Dooley muttered.

“And even your ammchure wrestlers wouldn’ta stanna chance ag’in’ me and my shovel!”

“Shovel?!” the principal yelped.

KILROY nodded, “Yeah, or a baseball bat, OR some chains, ORRA really long and sharp-”

“Okay, I get it!!” Principal Dooley exclaimed, much to his own shock. He turned a noticeable shade of crimson, but luckily this didn’t enrage the nut.

“Bu-ut,” KILROY said as he slowly rose to his feet. “I rally should probably go get ready to skin Casanova English, and then sear his exposed flesh, and then dance with his skin body, mayyyyybe give it a few kisses - shhh, shhh, don’t tell him, leave it as a SECRET! - so for now, I’m goin’, g’bye!”

KILROY began to leave the office. The principal was finally able to relax, just looking on in disbelief.

“Oh.” KILROY said as he paused by the threshold. “But I’ll be back after my match!”

Principal Dooley’s face just went from crimson to white as a sheet.