HIGHWAY TO RED PLANET

Hello and welcome back to another edition of Datura’s favourite wrestling analysis show Big Match Breakdown with yours truly Karl Childers. We’re going to be giving predictions on all the matches coming up for Red Planet… and I have some tough choices ahead of me. You know who doesn’t have tough choices? Your lazy ass… we already know you are going to tune into Red Planet on January 31st so lets kick the year off with a little less procrastiction and get those preoders in now!


Here we are… evidence we are being pretty much run by Corpus Enegry as we have our first sponsiered match. Clearly they are camping it up here… two skull faced weirdos who have to retrieve a skull light it on fire and break it over each other's well… fucking skull. Anyway, Skall has been impressive since he has debuted. He hasn’t lost yet and clearly they see a huge marketing capability with the suit and shit like that. Kilroy on the other hand has becoming s CULT staple over the last year. He debuted at the last Killdozer Cup and now hold the SNUFF Championship and a win over Casanova English. I think I have to give this one to Kilroy… I think he has all the momentum here and a bit more big match experience at this point.


Now before she ends up zoomed in on during her match and posted to social media… I too am just as curious to see how Clarie Hawkins’ tits will react to the fluctuating gravity… or if Sunshine the Dragon’s plush head may float right off. This is a huge spot on the card to debut on and Claire shouldn’t take it lightly. Sunshine the Dragon is the number on contender for the New World Championship. A win over him would propel Claire right to the main event scene. I don’t foresee that happening though. I think Sunshine has one more lesson to teach on his way to the top title.


You saw the reaction to Big Boy last month at CULT:TV but when he is surrounded by these three scumbags what do you expect? Atsuki seemed jealous of the Big Boy for a moment, but I think he will put that feeling aside when he is bleeding. What a fucking dumb match type… each opponent has a cut and their oppoents must staple it shut. Anyway… Atsuki is going to have to do a bit more work in this one than he is accustomed to if he wants to walk away one half of the Double Homicide Champions. Speaking of the champions, Salvador and Jesus have been unstoppable since capturing the gold. They have been flying their flag around the world dominating and now they have come to CULT they are showing no signs of slowing down. I think Los Sicarios de Sinaloa is going to show ATSUKI and Company that their reign of terror has just begun. Los Sicarios de Sinaloa will win this one and be one step closer to being considered one of the greatest teams in CULT along with Three Ring Barney and Heartkillers.


I guess there is one way to attract new Cultists and that’s through cold hard cash! It was enough to entice Becky Carter and Lucky 7 to join the company. Carter is a bit of an underdog here, but that’s only because Lucky 7 kind of fits the whole gambling thing. Beaufort could shock the world with another upset… but if there is anything I know it’s that money is a strong motivator for Tony Savage. I don’t think Red Planet will be any different. No body can stop Tony from getting that bag.


Datura is going to Xeet about it. She’s going to call me a hack… force me to bring security to the arena all over an opinion. She is going to ask why would this time be any different? She has beaten Alice before? A few months ago in a triple threat Alice wasn’t able to walk away with a win… well Alice is adaptable. Alice has learned… Alice has weakened you over time and I think at Red Planet is when Alice finally strikes and she’s able to pinpoint Datura’s weaknesses and will walk away new CULT Classic Champion. It’ll bring an end to an historic run that may not be topped anytime soon… but something has to give.


Grace Leary is now the longest running New World Champion. She has held the title longer than anyone would have thought. Is a dominate underdog and has surpassed challenge after challenge. However, Haru Niijima could be the one woman left on the roster who is a true threat to Leary’s championship. While Leary did take the Double Homicide Championships from Heartkillers it was just a few months ago Haru pinned her shoulders to the canvas in tag team action. More recently Haru has targeted the ears of Leary who is half-deaf… it seems she has done everything she needs to in order to weaken the champion. I think Haru’s plan pays off and we see a new New World Champion at Red Planet.


We could write a novel about this one. A feud almost as old as CULT itself. English has tried to break Bacchus. He had him nail Lissie Hope to a cross. However, it all made Bacchus the man he is today. A near unstoppable force anywhere he goes… and now it all comes down to one final test. Bacchus vs Casanova English and I’m not sure the company is big enough for both men right now. I think you’d be crazy to bet against Bacchus in this one, but I have been called that in the past. Casanova English has never lost three matches in a row in his entire career. Some how, some way, I think English has something up his sleeve. The CULT Leader is going to win this one to close out a historic show.